


The Girl With Two Selves

by seagul_brows



Category: NCT (Band), Stray Kids (Band), UNB (Band)
Genre: Depression, Divorce, F/M, Friendship, Rape, Sad, Underage - Freeform, Violence
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-05
Updated: 2020-09-21
Packaged: 2021-03-06 15:40:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 4
Words: 7,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26301334
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/seagul_brows/pseuds/seagul_brows
Summary: Oh Yun Ah, a mother at 17.Starting school after the assurance of many people, will she be able to live her life in peace after the tragic case?What would she do if someone knows about her little secret and uses it against her?
Kudos: 2





	1. Chapter 1

December 2016

Snow.

Ever since I was a little girl I loved it. Some people might discard it as an oncoming time for a depressive atmosphere, in my opinion, I have always loved the cold feeling on my bare skin.

Winter in Korea meant, layers over layers to wear before going outside the surrounding walls of your house, and if you didn't, well even though nothing is wrong with that, it might still seem like a lot more than nothing, when surrounded by people wearing the damn padding coats and whatnot.

In my case, I was a lover and loner of the cold weather, bringing hot chocolate, fluffy gloves, fire at night, pink noses and ears, trembling chins, the fog coming out of the mouth. The little things we tend to ignore. I loved them all.

Even now, as I sat on the stairs outside at the front door, in a t-shirt, the chilly wind hitting my bare arms giving me goosebumps, I loved it.

I was in love with winter and the things it brought without even knowing.

'Noona, hi,'

My wonderful evening was interrupted by the one and only kid from my neighborhood. The coat and red scarf, his black hair, and shy smiles he always sent in my way. He was the most adorable boy I had seen growing up in front of my eyes.

'Ji,'

'Why are you sitting here, wearing that?' he pointed his finger at me, through the long sleeve of the coat, which most probably his mum made him wear.

'Do I have to explain every time?' I followed him by my eyes as he sat beside me, taking the scarf around from his neck on his lap. He took off the coat afterward, to my surprise, revealing a knitted sweater underneath. The poor boy exhaled.

'Mum again?' I raised a brow questioning the layers on him.

'Ha, she always treats me like a damn baby,'

'You are-'

'Noona, you better not take her side again,' the boy threatened with his gaze and sudden change in tone 'I'm a big boy now,' he chucked the corner of his lips upwards, his cheeks getting squishy. Truly a baby.

'Alright big boy, your mums coming,' the house next door revealed the boy's mother, and it was on cue he got up, holding on to the coat and scarf running inside.

'Park Jisung, you better stay inside, boy,' mother shouted, resulting in a smile on my face. I got up after him.

'Good evening, auntie,' she wasn't blood-related, but we have been neighbors when the newly married couple moved in next door. It was two years after the boy was born, completing their little family. I was four at that time. I remembered going to their house with a big bouquet as a present. I saved my own money for it when my mother told me they were going to have a baby.

'Yun ah, honey, for the love of God, cover yourself, you will get sick in this awful weather,' we all had our opinions in liking things. 'Tell jisung he better not go around like that,'

'Stop worrying auntie, he's in good hands,'

' I'm afraid he's growing up and I'm not ready for it,' the woman shook her head, stressed about the fourteen-year-old teenager. Boys cause trouble at one point or another, and I guessed he was coming close to that stage. 'Say hi to your mother for me, I'll come by a little later,' notified her visit before doing her part of the housework for the night. That meant dinner. Right, the grocery...

I came inside, closing the door behind me. The blended aroma of Vienna Cinnamon and Sweet Orange Spice, indulged in every part of my heart and mind, signifying a lovely afternoon. Sliding my shoes off, I turned the first corner to the kitchen.

Jisung sat on the table, munching on muffins I made this morning, they turned out well. Mother was busy taking out ingredients for dinner. She liked to be prepared for everything beforehand.

' What about grocery?' I questioned her about the talk we had in the early morning. Someone had to go shopping and she wasn't in the mood of doing so.

'Could you go now?' she turned to the clock on the wall, checking the time. 6:49 pm.

'There's still time for dinner, I can,'

' That would be better, just hurry back home later,' I went upstairs to wear a thick hoodie this time. Over breakfast, I heard on the news there was a chance of heavy snowfall.

'Should I come?' Ji asked when I came down, grabbing the grocery bag.

'Do you want to?'

The boy thought for a minute. 'Where will you go?'

' The supermarket..' I questioned myself but decided instantly that it would be the right decision since I needed a reason for a long walk. It might be good for the leg muscles '... yes, surely there,' he frowned in return. The supermarket was a bit further away from our place and on the way back, climbing up the hill was what we mostly avoided doing. It was such a pain the next morning.

' I would like to stay,' he denied politely. Finishing the last piece of the muffin.

I turned back once to mothers back towards me. She was still thinking about how to make the tea any better, it was pretty good either way. Running my hand in the boy's hair once, he was focused on killing the last player, I ran out.

'Hurry back Noona,' I heard before the door closed.

///

The list was long.

But the line was longer.

By the time I was out, it was 8 pm. I was surprised by how fast time went.

The streets of Seoul were mostly filled late at night. People getting off work. Families out for fun, couples on their dates. It was indeed a good weather today. The only problem now was that this grocery bag was too heavy and the hill ahead made the bag feel like a bundle of bricks on my back.

'Ha,' I cried out helplessly to no one. The street was empty. Yellow light from the street lamps lighting every corner. I should've gotten a taxi back home. There was no point in crying over spilled milk now. I was most definitely not going back to just get a cab. However, rather than whining in pain at one place, I decided to do that with each step, waking the surrounding neighbors with their sweet early rest at home.

Five blocks to be exact.

That was how far the house was from this point onwards. By now I had already walked at least three from the starting point of the climb. I set the bag down each time I passed a block. Mentally assuring myself that I will have skinny and sexy legs after all this hard work. It was working... 

When I reached the fourth one. I was eager to put the heavy loads of bricks down but before I could, someone grabbed a handful of my hair from the left side and yanked me hard. I fell face first in the little dark alley. Dark enough to hide the sins that were about to be committed.

A can of peas rolled out of the grocery bag by my hand with a few other things, and the rest ran away down the hill. I think I ripped my jeans from the knees too.

Turning on my back, I wanted to see which motherfucker did it but the pain on my right ribs hit by a wooden baseball bat limited my vision through my eyes, allowing dark circles to take a few places. The blows kept coming and coming and coming, my arms, legs, stomach. When I turned to the side because of the immense pain he hit me on the back.

The hits were so hard and kept going that it was after every two seconds of each hit my body sent a signal that I was in pain. I forgot how to mutter something. But would anyone even hear me? I wondered if mom had already begun to make dinner? Was she waiting for me? Did Jisung leave? Did anyone wonder where I was?

And he stopped.

I could hear him breathing hard. I was trying really hard to keep my eyes open, just to get a glimpse of his face. But what would I possibly have done after all who knew if he didn't have any intentions of killing me here? He did this much... it didn't seem like much of a problem if he would do that much more.

I gulped hard. Even doing that hurt. A line of tear skipped out of my eyes disappearing behind my ears.

The next thing my vision showed me was him on his knees between my legs. Meddling with the button of my pants. So that's what it was for...

He covered my face with his hands and did his deed. I cried. That was all I could do. My body wasn't on my side at the moment because of all the pain.

///

'I'll be leaving then,' I bowed to auntie, planning on going back, but of course, it was just an excuse to go look for noona instead and maybe have her get me ice cream. I dialed her number standing at the gate of our house.

She didn't pick up. I dialed again... nothing. Should I go look for her? I glanced from the gate towards the street contemplating if I should, in any case, mother would kill me, so I skipped a few steps and ran away, off to find my dearest noona.

I opened her name through my messages and texted her.

Noona~ 

Where did you go? I'm out and want ice cream :( 

Walking down the hill as I scrolled through my phone, I kicked a can that was there for some reason rolling down a bit next to some onions? The bag. Oh god...I picked it up, the little panda on the side confirmed my greatest fear. I dialed noona's number fast. It ringed. It ringed right behind me. I was afraid to turn around. I was afraid to confirm the sight that was hidden in the darkness.

The alley was dark, the ringtone of the phone could be heard an echo in the little space and quiet neighborhood. The bag fell from my fingertips as I stepped off the pavement. It wasn't until I was looking at the screen to turn on the flashlight did I realize that my hands were shaking.

'Noona?' I called out to the addressee, hoping that this was all just a prank. please...

My eyes teared up as the limited light from my phone shined on the garbage at the corner and moved to the other side, I froze. The sneakers. I didn't want to move up. I didn't want to look at her like that so I covered my mouth muffling the cries coming out of my mouth as the light now revealed the full-body, covered with bruises and blood.

'Noona!'

///

I wiped my hands on the apron around my waist when the doorbell rang, must be Yun Ah. Mrs. Park stood by the door.

'Did Jisung not come?' I asked her when I realized she was alone.

' I thought he was already here?'

'No, he left a while ago,'

Closing the door behind, as we both questioned the presence of our children, I offered her a seat at the kitchen table. But the peace in the house was interrupted with loud bangs on the front door, awaking a little fear in my heart. I ran, hurriedly unlocking the door again, revealing a sobbing Jisung.

'Ji, honey, what happened?' his mother ran to the child, holding his face in her hands but the boy broke down in tears, even more, saying something we both could not make out in words.

'Noona- Auntie...' he cried out, and I felt my heart sink. It was late. It shouldn't take this long to get groceries. I took my phone out fear rising inside my heart with every second. Jisung's words, I felt like a part of me broke the second I heard him.

I screamed in pain, anger when I saw my daughter laying at the hospital bed. I could not recognize her. There wasn't a single part of her body that was the same, purple and blue bruises and dried blood on her clothes. She looked pale, not moving a muscle.

I was left with nothing. Everything was taken away from me. The doctor reported us of broken bones and rape. I felt helpless more and more. Oh, how much pain she would've been in.

What kind of person could do such a thing?

The first snowfall, this cold winter had brought.

Forgive me, but don't ever ask for forgiveness.

Such a cruel winter you are.


	2. Chapter 2

January 2017

When I opened my eyes, every part of my body was in severe pain, filling my half-lidded eyes with tears. I couldn't keep them open; one, because of the pain and the other, because of the excessive amount of light in the room. It felt like I was looking at the sun directly but that wasn't the actual case rather it was me, here, in this very room with just the rays peeking through the open window.

I didn't know where I was, who brought me here, who found me, and how was I even alive? It was funny how I was even questioning my breathing after the incident. I was that sure enough that I wouldn't make it alive.

Closing my eyes, as I tried to get rid of the lump in my throat, even doing that hurt. But the darkness underneath the eyelids reminded me of that night. How I watched the first snow, fall that night. I remember every footstep of that man walking away, running. Did the thought of ever being caught crossed his mind? Even for a second?

As I turned my head to the side, the view of the cardiac monitor came into view, I lifted my head up from the pillow as much I could, revealing a private hospital room scrupulously spotless.

No one was here.

Even though I was here, in this bed, well and even alive, I felt like waking up in that little alley. Alone.

Alone. I will forever hate this word.

The pain in my chest sharpened as the memories from that night flooded my head, worsening pain wherever present. I tried to get up, screaming miserably. Calling for help which I couldn't ask for in that dark pit. I screamed for someone, anyone to take away this pain, if not then maybe explain why me? Why was this meant to happen to me? Why must we learn from such ravishment?

The continuous beeping of the heart monitor made me realize the intensity at which my heart was pounding. I was sweating, shaking in complete fear of something that wasn't even there.

I was drowning in this misery but everyone around me was breathing.

The grip on both my wrist and legs weakened my thrashing. Forcing me back against the soft surface. A sting on my neck brought me back to my senses for a minute, revealing the once blurry face now as a few nurses and a doctor.

'Miss. Yun ah, you must try to relax, you're okay, it's okay,'

I heard a male voice echo in my ear before darkness enveloped my eyes. My limbs felt numb relaxed in each hands grip. I felt myself drifting into the darkness forever falling down.

///

Dusting, sweeping, mopping, laundry, dishes.

Yun ah, not being at home, made me feel the burden of the chores by double. Most of the days the house was so quiet in the morning, sitting at the breakfast table alone made me feel sick. I did everything at a slow pace. The girl had not given us a sign of consciousness for two weeks now.

The first week was spent going back and forth at the police station. The detective assigned with Yun ah's rape case was doing everything he could. Since we didn't know his face, he couldn't do much. The man said he needed my daughters' statement to help the investigation.

At early noon, I prepared lunch, not having anything else to do. Sticking to the basic fried rice, I packed it all in a plastic container making up my mind of eating at the hospital.

My body ached with doing too much work. I was getting old no doubt about that. Maybe the silence made me more depressed. The thought of celebrating New Year never even crossed my mind. The day only reminded me of the seat outside the operating room. My heart ached, thinking about all the pain she had to go through. It made me wondered how the future days will be. The doctor advised me to take her to a psychiatrist every week.

The symptoms were said to show slowly; indicating the change in behavior- typically the mood- thinking, feeling guilty, stress, depression, hatred.

The worse thing in all this was the fact that she was- she tested positive. I was afraid of her reaction to the notice. It made me wonder how much more the pieces will break before she is left hopeless completely. In the end, however, I layered myself with a long coat, reaching to the middle of my hips and went for the door, leaving a message for Yun ah's father before else.

It had been raining for a couple of days, indicating the weather to be quite cold. Stuffing the key in my bag after securing the lock, I clenched the material of the scarf around my neck out of nervousness.

One could ask why I was nervous? Because as a mother, I had every right to be. She was flesh and bones that I made. I watched her grow into the person she was today. If I, myself, was to break down and take all this as a curse, she could take it as something worse. I didn't want her to think her life is over already. Everyone has dreams they want to achieve deep down, something they don't tell anyone about. And when you don't have any of that, people decide that for you.

They will tell you where you belong. Do everything in their power to insult you, hurt you, defeat you, betray you, set you aflame, and watch you burn. But all this only happens when you fall apart completely yourself, or for the people you love. But they cannot destroy you. And I will do the same for my daughter.

Because even if she burnt down like Rome, I will stay by her side and teach her how to rebuilt on the ashes. Like a phoenix, resurrecting.

///

I twirled the pencil around my fingers, thinking of how to finish my homework before it finishes me.

'Ah,' I ruffled my hair, hiding my head between my arms. I hate homework and I hate maths more. Homework on Sundays is just a big no-no.

I ran to the window peeking outside when I saw Auntie securing the lock next door. Was she off to the hospital again? It had been almost over a week since I last visited the hospital with mum. Maybe I should go today. I grabbed my coat and ran down the stairs. Of course not forgetting to tell mum, who was in the kitchen, sewing god-knows-what. The woman still managed to question me about my homework.

'I'm going to the hospital with Auntie,' I yelled, so she could hear me in the kitchen as I slid my shoes on.

'What about homework?'

I made the best cutie face I could and peeked at her through the kitchen doorway. 'I'll do it when I come back? please,' I chucked in my cheeks, doing my best to get a nod. She inhaled, shifting her gaze to me, I smiled, showing her my front teeth.

'This boy.... go,' And I didn't take another second, running out the door.

Auntie was nowhere in sight, she must've already turned the corner. I jogged till the end of the street turning into the next. She wasn't far away.

For some reason, watching her from the back somehow gave the vibe of sadness. But then, that was to be expected. I caught up to her, in the end, however.

I bit my lower lip at first, not knowing what to say. Just a simple hello? Good morning? Was she having a good day? Just morning? Or maybe, just hello auntie?

'Hi, Jisung, What brings you here?' I slightly flinched, too lost in my thoughts.

'Evening, ah.. you were going to the hospital, yes?' she nodded in return.

'I just wanted to come with you, it's been a few days since I visited,'

'That's very nice of you. I'm glad I got company as well,'

I never replied to her. I didn't think it was necessary. Instead, slid my hands into my pockets, matching my steps. A part of me, felt as if she just wanted company, just the presence, not even someone to talk to, but just to satisfy her heart deep down that she wasn't alone.

When we entered the automatic doors of the building, the nurse at the reception called out.

'Ms. Hye Ji? Why are you coming late today of all days?' Auntie looked at the woman confused, I wasn't an exception 'Your daughter, run along, she's awake. She finally woke up early this morning,' I felt my heartbeat increase. All the blood rushing through my ears. Auntie dropped her bag and ran. I picked it all up, stuffing it all inside as fast as I could and followed her.

We both ran up the stairs up to the fourth floor, she never waited for the elevator to open. I panted hard, forcing my sore legs to keep up just a little more.

I was suddenly excited to meet her. I wondered how happy auntie must've felt. Stopping to take a breath when I finally reached the mentioned floor, I dragged my feet the next few steps to the room, the door left opened in a hurry.

She was right there.

Auntie had her handheld, kneeling by the bed on the floor, her head hanging low as she cried. Noona watched her without any emotion. She averted her gaze to me when I stepped inside the room.

'Noona, hi...'

She exhaled, withdrawing her hand from her mothers' fingers, and turned her back to us. Never saying anything to calm the woman sobbing on the white tiles of the room.

I quietly slid the door close behind me.

This wasn't going to be easy. 


	3. Chapter 3

[When you listen to my small heart]

[kiss me, you can take my breath away]

Silence.

How do you actually describe it?

[whispering breaths in the dark morning]

Is it really silent or just quiet?

Is it just your mind or everything else around you?

[and a dream bothered by the bright moonlight]

If no one's talking, but rather just the daily noise, is that considered silent? Why can one bear to hear nature speak but not man itself? Why do we often tend to get away for a different kind of quiet? Why aren't birds chirping and rain falling noise? Why do some people find peace in all that but not in their actual lives?

Why did my peace had to be taken away from me? What did I take from the world that I got such a result? Why must I not find peace in being alone, unlike most people?

Why?

Dr. Hana sat across me, ready to begin our fourth session the past few days. Each time, when I was here, she had a thing for playing this song on low volume. I kept my eyes closed, keeping myself busy. Busy...

Taking deeper breaths.

Silencing irrational thoughts.

[and the love in your eyes] 

Calming my racing heart.

[and the seasons pass within it]

Even though the weather was cold, a trail of sweat rolled down my back. I could somehow feel an oncoming wave of fear, so I opened my eyes.

[are struck more violently than if by a wave] 

The woman wore a baby blue dress, legs crossed over. The sound of her pen dragging on the piece of paper attached to the clipboard somewhat brought me away from what my mind was going after. I turned my neck to the full-length window on the wall, revealing the hospital garden below, trying my best to stay busy.

[oh, darling, don't break down]

[don't grow cold from the wind] 

In, telling myself that I'll be okay.

[sneaking in from the windowsill]

I had never thought before, in my life, that I will be haunted by something, that a stranger has brought me. I now sat here, in this room, closed and afraid of something that was nowhere in sight, but in mind, taking away my control over my own body.

[come here and hold me tight]

His touch haunts my daydreaming.

He felt, like my longest winter.

[let's live through today then]

[move on toward tomorrow]

///

I hated hospitals since I was little.

We often came when grandma was sick. There was too much hope and sadness in one place. Everyone waiting for a miracle to happen. Things like these always made me wonder, why now? Why wait to pray for a miracle to happen now, when you never even glimpsed to its side before? When you never paid attention to your surroundings. Because everywhere around us were miracles happening. Without us knowing.

Why do people not understand it? That the world is full of miracles, made of miracles.

The mountains, oceans, and cities.

Do they ever think about the miracle again, if they lose someone here?

I kept my gaze on the back of Auntie and Mom's shoes. Following behind them through these ever recognizable halls. I was afraid to look people in the eyes and see the pain they were going through. For a fourteen-year-old, as for now, I had enough of that myself.

Mother has visited once the next day when noona woke up. We came over during visiting hours, but she never spared us a glimpse. Eyes focused on the open window. Never said anything.

Noona had her therapy session and checkups when Auntie had work. It worked out that way. Her panic attacks decreased and she slept nicely lately. The doctor was happy to see such a fast improvement.

It was a miracle, indeed.

During the weekends, for some reason, the hospitals were crowded than normal days. Mother said it was likely because people are free and tend to go out for a nice evening. There's more traffic and that means accidents. As a result of all this, was a congested elevator, that opened on the ground floor. The three of us squeezed inside, baring with the suffocations for just a few minutes.

When the elevator dinged, indicating the floor number, we pushed through the people and got off. I inhaled deeply. Elevators are truly scary.

'Jisung, come along,' mother called out when I was left behind.

///

Man tends to put others first- it doesn't matter if its blood relation or not. We often do that without knowing, especially to our loved ones.

Even strangers.

Giving up our seats, our number in a line.

As a mother, I was willing to give up on everything else to focus on my daughter's recovery. I did not want to see her fall into a pit of forever ruined. What I was giving up was- marriage. 

I had to find a way to talk with her about this matter, but just not yet. Maybe when she gets discharged. At the moment, I had not the slightest bit of strength to explain to the girl how her own father has been blaming the incident as her own fault. When those words left his mouth, I had made my decision of never giving him a chance to look at our faces again.

When I slid open the door, Yunah sat on her bed, going through her the book she asked for the last time I was here. I couldn't say no since that was the first time she said a word to me.

['Miss Yunah, how is your relationship with your parents?']

['With mom, it's... I told her everything. We were close so I never had a problem with anything regarding her,']

The edge of the knife, peeling off the skin of an apple between my fingers, as I sat here alone. Yun ah fell asleep soon after Jisung and Mrs. Park had left a while ago.

The once revealing sunlight window now showed the sky covered with clouds. A snowstorm was on its way. I bit on a piece of apple lost in thoughts.

'Mom...'

The voice was so low I barely heard the girl. I figured she was awake, has it been long though?

'Do you think...' I kept quiet, she was finally talking to me again so I didn't want to pressure her in any way, after all, she was alive, that was what mattered the most. 'What should I do?'

I didn't understand what she was talking about. I placed the knife back on the plate, putting it on the side. 'About what exactly?'

' The baby...' she muttered, almost under breath. I inhaled.

' What's your saying on it?'

'If I had a saying in any of this than nothing like this would've happened, don't you think?'

'I know that okay..' I patted my chest, tears filling my eyes 'Of course I know that how much all this pathetic act hurt you... so I'm trying to do my best here, to not let it get you to the point I lose you okay. Do you understand me?' I never realized when the tears slipped from my eyes down my cheeks.

'So tell me what to do. Tell me 'cause I'm too lost in all this,' she barely let it out, choking on a sob. I tried not to comfort her. We finally had a chance to talk about it and I wanted to finish it today. 'If I get rid of it, I'd hate myself for killing someone innocent, and if I don't, I'm afraid of what everyone will think,' she covered her face with hands, wiping her tears.

There comes a time when one cries so much that they actually run out of tears. Or things that were meant to hurt them, do so, but not with tears. I figured she was crying every time, so I dragged my chair closer to the bed, taking her hand in mine.

'No one can dare say anything if you don't let them okay,' I kept my eyes on our hands, her fingers still healing. ' keep the baby if you want to,' I glanced at her, but she was already looking at me.

['And your father?']

['He- he's hardly at home. He never visited me here, so I don't think much about him,'] 

'What about dad?'

'What about him?'

'He won't let me-'

'Well that man has never visited you once here so I'm pretty sure he has no saying in this,' I tried to change the topic now. Somehow, I thought, we had enough talk today.

'Mom, still, he'll-'

'Yun ah, honey...'

Should I tell her? Right here? Was it the right time?

'I'll get something for us to eat, finish that apple until than,'

I never waited for her. Grabbing my coat, I came out of the room, closing the door behind me.

Maybe some other day. I wanted to have a peaceful dinner with her tonight at least. 


	4. Chapter 4

I was discharged a week early due to my father not agreeing on paying extra bills. The mere paper stacked in his leather, worn-out wallet was more important to him. His image in the neighborhood was already ruined, he wasn't planning on wasting more of His, on us, on me.

Is every home like this? How do people deal with such cases? Do they fall apart, pretending they're more hurt than the actual one? How is parenthood after tragedies? Funerals of loved ones? Is it the same? Better? Worse? Or does it not exist afterward, at all?

Was I suppose to be grateful to have survived this?

I felt sick.

Sad sick.

I felt like crying from hearing all the chatter downstairs, but nothing came out. It was like when you can't feel any worse. I think you know it. I think everybody knows it now and then. But I think, I'll know it a little too often now.

I stood at the top of the stairs, listening to the screams coming from my so-called father. I hated him. Feeling a lump in my throat, I blinked a few times trying not to cry, I bit my lower lip and turned back, going in my room. As I closed the door behind me, the shouts could still be heard clearly. I slid down, back against the wood surface, burning my head in legs, fingers gripping my hair. I felt... I felt, and I guessed I wasn't supposed to feel anything.

'Are you out of your mind?' mother shouted for the tenth time, who could explain to her that this fool wouldn't understand 'she is your daughter first!' 

'Why? Why am I wrong for saying what I think?'

'Because you can't, there is someone else in this house who was on the edge of death, your Own daughter and you're saying you can't let her stay in the hospital because it's affecting the zeroes in your bank account? Are you kidding me?'

'We're done with this talk, I said I'm not wasting any more and that's that,'

'Wasting?' mother scoffed in disbelief, wiping her face with one hand, the other holding on to the table because if she didn't she would've fallen down a while back 'So, your money is being wasted when you have to spend it for your family?' 

'Do not turn this into something more, woman, I am sick of hearing your blubbering the second I come back home,'

'What home?'

'Tell me, what home? The one you're wasting your money on, that one? Tell me,' 

'Do not make me the bad guy here,' dad pointed his finger at her, expression full of disgust 'You brought this upon yourself when you talked about keeping that thing. Do you have any idea how shameful that is?' spat.

'Is that what this is about? You're pathetic,' 

'I'm pathetic? How do you even know Yunah wasn't the one provoking the guy in the first place?' The house fell quiet when the palm of mom's hand made contact with his face.

'This is why people talk. When you give them a chance to. How can she live her life in peace when even her own father says such things? Sure we can get rid of the baby, do you think people will stop talking? No. They will always talk. You can never bleed enough for people,' 

Pulling herself together, mom clenched her fist, finally looking at the situation from a bit far, rather than poking the stick up close. I figured it was about time, she had been holding on for too long. Waiting desperately, when her husband would come home, and smile at her. Not beat her to almost death. Not criticizing her every dish. Her every move. Her every breath.

'I have been trying to keep it all under control even when things weren't, thinking that I might ruin our family, but now, I see that there wasn't one in the first place. There was never an us in your heart. I don't want any of this to cause more hurt to her.' I climbed down the stairs, the wood creaking under my feet, she halted a second turning around. I thought she might not want to talk in front of me, I wished she wouldn't do that, that's why when she turned back around, facing dad again and speaking the words in a firm voice, I smiled to myself, happy for once. 

'I want a divorce,' 

'We will talk about this later,' he pointed a finger at mom as if by it showing his nonexistence inferiority over us 'and you,' he turned to me this time 'go to your room, I don't want to see your face right now, your mother has created enough ruckus yet,'

'Do Not point your finger at her, she can stay where ever she wants, and we nothing more to talk, I don't want to talk with you, not another word, ever,' 

'Don't be stupid-'

'What? Now that I'm not hearing your garbage of a talk while you point your finger at us you call me stupid, us stupid? Come out of your head, Oh Hyun Jae, I have enough of all this, you hear me, enough,' her voice got loud at the end, unwanted tears streaming down her hollow cheeks. But I wondered, were those tears actually unwanted? Maybe they were because they might've made it seem as if she didn't mean all this, or maybe they weren't, after all, all this time, everything kept inside, anger, hatred for the man in front, who she fell in love with, grew in love with, the man who showed her dreams filled with lies, she was setting herself free from him, the tears could've been a strength in her eyes. Her mind. 

Her world was basically falling apart.

And I was a reasonable cause of it.

Surviving.

Surviving isn't that great.

Never beautiful.

It's not as heroic as they tell you in stories or movies.

It's dirty.

It's tears streaming down your face and sobbing in a dark corner when you should be preparing for school in the morning. Put masks, take a shower like any other teenager.

It's fear and feeling numb to all the things that made your heart flutter before, at the same time. You don't preen yourself for being a survivor, you lull yourself to sleep with stories of a life where you have never been forced to be in such a situation in the first place.

You cry, some days sobbing your eyes out, others never having the strength to shed a tear. Waiting for comfort from a loved one, a friend. You feel numb to the taste of your favorite food. You feel numb to the cold that sent shivers down your spine before.

Surviving makes you forget the important thing; it isn't your fault.

Surviving gives you trauma.

Trauma takes one's ability to say 'no'. To think properly. Because if so many people are saying it's my fault then maybe... it is.

Maybe it Is my fault, that's why I forced my self to wake up in the morning, got ready for school, and left in a hurry before dad woke up. Mum did her best to refrain me from doing so, but a few months of education before 'that' show, I wanted to get this most out of this time as I could. That way, maybe, I could keep him out of my thoughts for a while as well. I couldn't stay inside the house. It had been a few days since mum's first comment on divorce and ever since there isn't a minute those two would stop screaming at each other.

I now stood in my school uniform, in front of the building, gathering my thoughts. Giving myself a pep talk on the way, not think too much about the whispers and glances I would be getting, but it made me wonder, no one would actually know about it, right? The hallways were empty, too early for some to wake up. I barely saw any students, some were too busy messing around to care about their surroundings, and one teacher I passed in front of my classroom.

It was quiet. The door handle between my fingers was glued with my hand but I couldn't get myself to open it. I felt my heartbeat pick up. Pounding against my chest as if it might fall out any second. Closed my eyes shut, I took a deep breath.

It's okay... it's okay... 

The old air sending shivers to my body forced me to open my eyes, noticing the darkness that developed around me. I took a deep breath, turning in a circle but it never ended. At one point as I stood, figuring out if I was dreaming, I heard a faint noise from behind.

Thump, thump, thump. Each a few seconds the other.

Facing the direction, a dim light lit a small alley. I couldn't move my feet. It didn't make any sense.

I was here.

I was fine.

I was alive.

I can't deal with it again, without paying attention my feet moved closer to the sound of hits. I was breathing hard as if I had run a marathon. He ran to me, bumping my shoulder, I couldn't see his face. The black cap under his hoodie hid his face well, only the corner of his lips that were turned up shone in the light for a second, and he was gone. I closed my eyelids, as his necklace shone under the street light. I reached out to grab it as it danced in the force of the wind as he ran away.

I wondered if he ever mentioned it to any of his close friends. Standing in the cold, empty street under the first snowfall of that winter, I watched his back disappear into the darkness of the night. I stood there. Waiting. For something. Anything. I stood there long enough for Park Jisung to pass by me, head bowed down to his phone. I watched it all happen again. His scream echoed in my ears as he ran to my limp body.

Noona!

But I was too engrossed to where that man disappeared to notice anything else. I watched myself be carried away in the ambulance that arrived 10 minutes late than intended due to heavy snowfall that night. I moved my hand from my hip to my face, whipping the tears with the sleeves of my hoodie, it was then I noticed the silver chain in my clenched wrist. I was scared to open it. Was it his? Loosening my fingers around it, the small moon laid between the palm of my hand. 

I had it.

I had it, all this time, in my hand. 

The very proof that I wasn't lying. 

That I wasn't dreaming. 

That I wasn't faking it all. 

But where was it now? Did I lose it? Or did I never had it in the first place? 

'Noona,' Jisung? I turned around. Doing a 360. 'Noona!' 

Ji. Park Jisung. 

His voice echoed. Noona. Noona, noona. 

I screamed. 

Noona! 

Shut up, screamed, falling on my knees. Covering my ears with trembling fingers to keep his voice out. I screamed again in this infinity of darkness. 

Noona.

'Noona,'

'Noona, Are you okay?'

I flinched, opening my eyes when two hands grabbed me by the shoulders, shaking me.

'Jisung,' I breathed out.


End file.
